Glad Tithings

Principles in Practice

Strengthening Your Marriage

Are you married? Do you want to be? Again?

Marriage is an extremely serious matter. Despite the trend toward divorce in American society, virtually every born-again Christian agrees that marriages should be lifelong commitments. The Bible supports this view of marriage.

So does common sense. No one who takes marriage seriously would lightly volunteer for the pain of separation or divorce. Yet 50 percent of marriages, including marriages between professing Christians, end not in death, but in divorce.

Why? If ending a marriage is painful, why would so many Christians opt for divorce as a solution to a troubled marriage? One of my brothers-an agnostic-suggests that society should set more stringent prerequisites for marriage. In his view, it's too easy to get married.

He's got a good point. Unless and until we see marriage as the most serious of all our relationship decisions, the divorce rate isn't likely to diminish. When the going gets rough, it's much easier to say we've made a mistake and hope we make a better decision the next time around than to endure the painful process of becoming the person God wants us to be in that difficult relationship.

Aiming for God's Best

If we agree that God's best plan is for marriages to last a lifetime, the rest is rather easy. If you are not yet married, and want to be, then take the time to prepare yourself to make your first marriage your only marriage. Get wise Christian counseling before you marry. Then maybe you won't need it later!

If you are already divorced, you have, by definition, already missed God's best. The issue now is whether God's next best plan for you includes remarriage. If you believe God wants you to remarry, then you must take the time before you take vows again to assure yourself and your future spouse that this will be your final marriage. Otherwise, having missed God's best the first time around, you may make the same mistake again-an even greater tragedy.

Restoring an Ailing Relationship

The third group consists of those who are married but wish they weren't. Things are not working out the way that you had hoped, and you are discouraged. Now is the time to remember the vows that you made to your partner and to God. Bear in mind that your commitment to remaining in the relationship is the foundation God can use to produce a marriage that neither partner will want to leave. Hanging in there puts you in the position to receive God's best.

There are certainly situations where physical separation is indicated, such as abuse. If your pastor supports you in pursuing this course, don't view it as a step toward divorce. Rather, see it as a step toward permitting God to make His plan more apparent after the pressure of remaining in a tense and difficult situation has been temporarily relieved. Unless your pastor agrees that you should separate, you probably should purpose to hang in there and let God show you what to do next.

If you've committed yourself to remaining in the relationship, focus first on what you should do to become the husband or wife God wants you to be. Often it seems that God waits for us to change before He chooses to exercise His power to work His will on our spouse. It may take weeks, months or even years before you see any progress. And it's even possible you won't see it this side of eternity. But if God's best includes marriage for life, then there really is an answer to the difficulties we're facing now. And we must be willing to be obedient, seeking to improve ourselves as God guides us and gives us grace, while we wait for God to change our spouse.

Making Yourself Accountable

It is often helpful to submit yourself to an accountability process to get a more objective and spiritually sound view of the situation. Trusted Christian friends can help you determine the best course of action. Three or four heads, all acting in concert, are usually better than one. If you would like more information on how to create such an accountability process, please call the CSM office. God can use this process mightily-provided you are willing to change. Trust Him, open yourself to the counsel of others, and God will do the rest.

Recently, I attended an accountability meeting where the husband had submitted himself to the counsel of several men. The situation looked grim. His wife had left, expressing no interest in continuing the marriage. In fact, she was moving quickly toward divorce.

The men suggested that the husband refuse to concede that the marriage was over. Instead, they recommended that he look for opportunities to woo his wife back. They asked him to identify ten things that might lead to a positive response from his wife. The group particularly suggested that he identify things that he had been unwilling to do for or with her while they were living together. Then the men asked the husband to pick three things to invite his wife to do. He agreed.

The jury is still out on this marriage. But those in the accountability group are standing with the husband in prayer and in hope. As he makes it obvious to his wife that he is willing to change, the group is praying that God will enable her to see and respond to his initiative and his desire to restore their marriage.

Reviving an ailing marriage is not easy. Nor is it painless. But it is a much better alternative to the agony that divorce brings to both partners and to any children involved, especially when it is viewed as an act of obedience to God.

We know that lifelong marriage is God's best. And we know that God has promised to always remain with us in difficult situations and to bless and sustain us if we follow Him. If you're in a troubled marriage, now is the time to put God to the test and trust Him for the results.

© 2000 by Christian Stewardship Ministries, 10523 Main Street, Fairfax, Virginia 22030. Telephone (703) 591-5000, fax (703) 273-1795, e-mail ken@csmin.org